The Men's Restroom #2

Section 1: Sight and Sound

(This post is the second in a series. To read the introduction and see a list of sections, please refer to The Men's Restroom introductory post.)

At no point in the course of a normal day is a man more vulnerable and exposed than while using a public restroom. With only thin metal dividers to separate himself from others who also wish they could have just held it until they got home, he wants nothing more than to quietly make his offering to the porcelain gods and be on his way. This is in stark contrast to the safety and comfort of using one’s own commode, where one might feel inclined to bring a magazine or newspaper, a personal gaming device or other object that says: “this is my throne, and it’s going to be a while.”

No, the time men spend in a public restroom should be very private, very personal; and it deserves the same quiet reverence that one might invoke at church. This brings us to the first Guideline:

1. Noise of any kind, by anyone, for any reason, is strictly prohibited within the restroom­. With the exception of toilets flushing, sinks running and paper towels dispensing; there is never a reason to make a sound, be it verbal or otherwise.

Talking with anyone in the restroom is an egregious violation of Guidelines, as doing so creates a cloud of fear that causes those in attendance to begin to question their trust in this delicate ecosystem we have spent millennia trying to establish. If entering the restroom with a colleague or friend (never a good idea), your conversation should be put on hold once the first member of the group passes through the door of the restroom. You can pick up right where you left off once everyone has exited. This ensures that your group, and anyone who had the decency to come in alone, will have a peaceful experience.

Beyond talking, any other form of interaction should be kept at a minimum. If eye contact is inadvertently made, a short nod and a closed-lipped smile is a great way to say, “Hello there. Aren’t we lucky to live in this golden age of sanitary services? Now break eye contact with me or I’ll be forced to kill you.”

While using a urinal, if you absolutely have to look anywhere else but down, refer to the following diagram for the visual “Safe-T” Zone. Focusing your gaze outside of this zone, and especially attempting to make eye contact with anyone else at this pinnacle of awkwardness, is expressly prohibited.

(It also should be noted that the gentleman on the left apparently thinks he’s competing in a rodeo. He’s not, and neither are you, so keep both hands on the wheel. You are not impressing anyone.)

As far as making non-verbal noises whilst taking care of business, we don’t care if you’re having a heart attack or passing multiple kidney stones; keep it to yourself and let us do what we have to do in peace. Grunting, bowel noises and loud wiping can ruin people’s days, and even their lives. If you absolutely must make noise, time your ghastly sound with a flushing toilet for concealment. If you can predict in advance of your visit that you’ll likely be making racket of some kind, consider waiting until the restroom is completely vacant before commencing. If you are genetically engineered to sound like a mortally wounded elephant (or that grape crushing lady), it’s probably best to get your cycle to match up with times you are at home, thus saving you the embarrassment, and us the nightmares.

Additionally, it should go without saying that high fives and handshakes are big no-no’s, but we’ve all seen it happen, so to be sure we’re covered:

2. Physical contact with anyone else while in the restroom is punishable by death. Seriously, you don’t even have to guess where their hands have been so give it a few minutes to let the germs fall off.

Which leads us to our third and final Guideline:

3. Always wash your hands. Just do it. The male mind is acutely aware of a lack of sink noises after a flush. If you don't wash your hands you'll forever be known in our minds as “That Guy.”

And you don’t want to be that guy.

The next section of The Men’s Restroom is entitled: “Process and Positioning.”