Dating Advice for Engineers

Anything I missed?

Will CERN Make a Black Hole?

There's been a lot of talk recently about CERN's Large Hadron Collider and whether or not it's going to end the world. My company provided a lot of hardware and software that they are using to control it, so from a PR standpoint, I'm really hoping the world doesn't end, 'cause we'll look really bad.


Here's what my engineering mind thinks about it:



Juice box anyone?

Two Great Olympic Videos

These two videos are the funniest things I've seen in quite a while. I hope you like them:


Michael Phelps celebration:





Usain Bolt's world record time:



Thanks to Fronda and John for finding these gems!

Another Week, Another Video

I don't know if I like this one as much. I had to summon my inner actor and try to look angry and sad and I don't think I pulled it off.




What do you think?

IT'S A BOY!!!!!

I haven't made mention of the fact that Katie is pregnant here on the Blournal because I'd like to keep my future child away from the crazy Internets. But now that we know the it's a he, I can't resist to post a few of the top pictures I found when searching "it's a boy" on the Google:






And my favorite....

I told you the Internets are crazy.

More Videos!

Sorry for the lack of posts lately, I've been inserting a lot of my creative juices in to my viral marketing project. We've made two new videos since I last posted, let me know what you think and if you have any new ideas.

Trying to explain what I do at work:



Playing video games:

An Engineering Mind Needs Your Help!

I'm developing a viral marketing campaign for my company and it involves making a ton of short videos on funny topics from the perspective of an engineer. The hope is that people will forward them to their friends, and their friends to their friends, and so on. That way we can generate awareness of our company without having to pay millions of dollars for Super Bowl commercials.

How can you help? Watch all three videos (several times if you like) and tell your friends about them. Hopefully they like them (you have to like them, even if you really don't, because we're friends) and they spread them around the Internets.

Enjoy!

An Embarrassing Meeting

During a meeting today I opened an email from a co-worker with the following images attached. I actually let out an audible "Ha!" and the meeting ground to a halt, all eyes on me. Embarrassed, I turned my laptop around to show the group, and no one really thought it was all that funny.

What do you think?

Granted, the goth guy looks pretty freaky and the baby/burrito confusion could have been tragic, but seriously, how is that stuff not funny?

But What If There's Bears?

I'm sorry for the infrequent posts lately, work is a little crazy this time of year. For now please enjoy my new favorite online video:

UPDATE: looks like embedded videos from funnyordie.com don't like the Blournal. Watch the video here.



(If you're reading this post from your Google Reader you may have to head over to the Blournal to see the video or just watch it at FunnyOrDie.com).

Our Fifth Anniversary

Anyone that knows Katie and I knows that I am one lucky guy. I can still remember the shock and disbelief on my friends' faces when they found out she actually agreed to marry me, and I can only imagine the stunned silence as they all drove back from the ceremony a few months later, on June 6, 2003.

If I haven't already bored you with the story of how we met; how I almost died trying to impress her with my lack of fitness; how she broke up with me multiple times; how I had to fight off would-be suitors and friends from stealing her away; how Chap Stick brought us back together; and how on the day I finally decided to throw in the towel, she decided that she was ready for a serious relationship...then you're in for a treat the next time we have dinner.

For now I'd like to share with you my eight favorite things about Katie.

#1 Katie Makes Me Be a Better Man

I've been trying to live up to the kind of man she deserves since the first day I met her. I remember exactly how I felt that day. I realized in that moment that in order to even have a chance with her I'd have to step up and live my life constantly trying to improve and grow. That's how Katie lives, and anyone close to her better do the same.

#2 Katie Is Beautiful

Let's be honest, she's easy on the eyes. There's nothing quite like the feeling of knowing that your date is the prettiest girl in the room. And I know it's cliché to say this, but she really is beautiful on the inside as well. People love being around her, she's compassionate and she puts everyone else's needs before her own.

Total. Package.

#3 Katie Is Adventurous

In what you'll soon see as a recurring theme, Katie is the Yin to my Yang. I'd much prefer to hold tightly to life's railings while Katie doesn't even think twice. I think this is a product of her growing up with two daredevil brothers that expected her to be just as tough. She's the first one to jump off the cliff and the last one to back down from a challenge.

#4 Katie Loves to Travel

She lived in South Africa for a summer before we got married, and since then we've gone to Mexico twice, Costa Rica, Brazil, Malta, England, 17 US states, and most recently Washington DC, Philadelphia and New York. She's no homebody and her adventurousness makes travel exciting.

#5 Katie Comes from an Amazing Family

I married into a family of supermodel superheros. It makes holidays a little intimidating. In all seriousness, Katie's parents and siblings made me feel like family from the start. I love when they visit and when we visit them.

#6 Katie Will Be an Incredible Mother

Katie is like the Pied Piper, sans flute. Kids love her and she completely understands them. You know how some people just "get" stuff? Well Katie gets kids. She knows what they need, how to constructively interact with them, etc. I can honestly say that our kids will probably take over the world or cure cancer or something equally awesome because of her.

#7 Katie Can't Sit Still

Seriously, it's like she's on drugs. She is always active, always doing. I'm amazed at what she can do in a day. On Saturdays when she works, it's all I can do to get to the couch and put three NetFlix movies in the DVD player, but on her days off? She'll run five miles, clean the house, go grocery shopping, write a Sunday School lesson, and then go have lunch with friends. Even when she sleeps her body doesn't stop, emitting enough heat to push me all the way to the other side of the bed.

#8 Katie Will Be Fun When She's Old

I don't see Katie as being the type that's going to slow down as we get older. Everything I like about Katie keeps getting better with time. I can only imagine what the next five years bring.

I love you Katie! Thanks for five great years and here's to five more!

Think of the Baby Seals!

My company is doing a lot to become more environmentally friendly, and I can honestly say that our approach is pretty cool. Instead of putting solar panels all over the roof or buying carbon credits (this is a great article if you have time), we're taking the motto "leave it better than you found it" and applying it to our business. Now that's green I can believe in!

As part of our semi-annual company meeting, they asked me to come up with two video commercials about being more green. I liked this one the best:



I hope that people will think of the baby seals next time they leave a conference room. Huge credit to our amazing A/V Studio for pulling this off, and putting up with me trying to force this concept down their throats.

My First Comic

You can check out Wheezy's real comics at Wheezy's Why Not.

Obama Smacks Little Girl in Front of Stunned Crowd

(image courtesy of CNN.com)

"Tell the rest of the West Virginians I say hello."

I also would have accepted:

"Taste the back of my elitist palm, sucka!"

Doesn't it seriously look like he's either just about to, or already has, smacked the snot out of that little school girl? And she's absolutely shocked! "How dare you, Barack Obama! I trusted you!" And the kid in the upper left couldn't be happier about it.

What is your caption? Post it in the comments.

On Mothers' Day

Everything About My Mom

1. What is your funniest memory of your Mom?

We lived in Washington DC when I was in elementary school and Mom took advantage of every weekend to take my sister and I to see new things our nation's capital. In those days, before GPS, we would often get lost en route to new monuments and museums. I recall one weekend adventure in particular, when we missed our exit off of the Beltway and drove headlong into Maryland. Mom quietly breathed out a four-letter word of frustration and, believing all was lost and that we'd never see our ol' Virginia again, my sister and I began to repeat that same four-letter word over and over again with increasing volume and fear. I laugh every time I think about sitting in the back of our Astro minivan swearing at the top of my lungs with mom frantically trying to get back on the Beltway and trying to get us to calm down.

2. What lesson your mom taught you stands out?

Mom always created rational consequences for my bad decisions. When I picked on someone at school, mom would "make" me have that kid over to the house to play so that I could learn to make friends with everyone. When I threw a neighbor's kickball in the lake, I had to either swim in and get it out or buy a new one before I could play with friends again. When I pushed my sister into a table and split open her forehead, she...wait I don't think she ever punished me for that. She was too busy rushing Liz to the hospital to think of how to punish me.

3. What is your favorite characteristic or personality trait about your Mom?

Mom is SO friendly and warm with others. You immediately like her because she takes such a personal interest in you and what you are doing. And she's dang funny. Mom and Dad came out to Austin for my birthday this year and helped us throw a big house party for work, church and neighborhood friends. She played wonderful pseudo-host and connected with so many of our Texas friends through her bubbly and funny personality.

4. What do you see in yourself that came from your mom, physically or in your personality?

I think I look a lot like Mom's side of the family and I hope that I'm as funny and personable as she is.

5. List as many things as possible that your mom has done for you.

There's no way to answer this one, but I will share a dream I had about my mom a while back that I won't ever forget. I was in front of a big crowd receiving some award (I know, what a conceited jerk! I have dreams about how cool I am!?) and as I gave my acceptance speech I said something that I think is very true: "Everything I am, I owe to my mother."

Happy Mothers' Day, Mom. I love you.

Our Marriage in 30 Seconds

I'm not kidding, the premise behind this commercial for Orville Redenbacher Natural popcorn is the number one cause for any argument Katie and I ever have: eating habits.

I guess if that's our biggest issue then things are pretty good!

The Craziest Thing I've Seen in While

How do you say "crazy" in Czech?



Answer: "Jožin z bažin." I think the dancing guy was having a seizure, and what's with Freaky-Face McGoo singing into that conch shell?

If you ever wondered what the big deal was with Americans not liking communism, now you know.

As Seen in College Station

It's Texas' take on the Swiss Family Robinson! This is how you know you've really made it as an Aggie.

ps. I'm mad that A&M beat BYU in the 2008 NCAA Tournament.

National Anthem Video

Aside from a crappy sound system, I think we sounded pretty good.

Thanks to our good friend Brent for taking the video! Read this and this for the story behind our National Anthem debut.

The Men's Restroom #2

Section 1: Sight and Sound

(This post is the second in a series. To read the introduction and see a list of sections, please refer to The Men's Restroom introductory post.)

At no point in the course of a normal day is a man more vulnerable and exposed than while using a public restroom. With only thin metal dividers to separate himself from others who also wish they could have just held it until they got home, he wants nothing more than to quietly make his offering to the porcelain gods and be on his way. This is in stark contrast to the safety and comfort of using one’s own commode, where one might feel inclined to bring a magazine or newspaper, a personal gaming device or other object that says: “this is my throne, and it’s going to be a while.”

No, the time men spend in a public restroom should be very private, very personal; and it deserves the same quiet reverence that one might invoke at church. This brings us to the first Guideline:

1. Noise of any kind, by anyone, for any reason, is strictly prohibited within the restroom­. With the exception of toilets flushing, sinks running and paper towels dispensing; there is never a reason to make a sound, be it verbal or otherwise.

Talking with anyone in the restroom is an egregious violation of Guidelines, as doing so creates a cloud of fear that causes those in attendance to begin to question their trust in this delicate ecosystem we have spent millennia trying to establish. If entering the restroom with a colleague or friend (never a good idea), your conversation should be put on hold once the first member of the group passes through the door of the restroom. You can pick up right where you left off once everyone has exited. This ensures that your group, and anyone who had the decency to come in alone, will have a peaceful experience.

Beyond talking, any other form of interaction should be kept at a minimum. If eye contact is inadvertently made, a short nod and a closed-lipped smile is a great way to say, “Hello there. Aren’t we lucky to live in this golden age of sanitary services? Now break eye contact with me or I’ll be forced to kill you.”

While using a urinal, if you absolutely have to look anywhere else but down, refer to the following diagram for the visual “Safe-T” Zone. Focusing your gaze outside of this zone, and especially attempting to make eye contact with anyone else at this pinnacle of awkwardness, is expressly prohibited.

(It also should be noted that the gentleman on the left apparently thinks he’s competing in a rodeo. He’s not, and neither are you, so keep both hands on the wheel. You are not impressing anyone.)

As far as making non-verbal noises whilst taking care of business, we don’t care if you’re having a heart attack or passing multiple kidney stones; keep it to yourself and let us do what we have to do in peace. Grunting, bowel noises and loud wiping can ruin people’s days, and even their lives. If you absolutely must make noise, time your ghastly sound with a flushing toilet for concealment. If you can predict in advance of your visit that you’ll likely be making racket of some kind, consider waiting until the restroom is completely vacant before commencing. If you are genetically engineered to sound like a mortally wounded elephant (or that grape crushing lady), it’s probably best to get your cycle to match up with times you are at home, thus saving you the embarrassment, and us the nightmares.

Additionally, it should go without saying that high fives and handshakes are big no-no’s, but we’ve all seen it happen, so to be sure we’re covered:

2. Physical contact with anyone else while in the restroom is punishable by death. Seriously, you don’t even have to guess where their hands have been so give it a few minutes to let the germs fall off.

Which leads us to our third and final Guideline:

3. Always wash your hands. Just do it. The male mind is acutely aware of a lack of sink noises after a flush. If you don't wash your hands you'll forever be known in our minds as “That Guy.”

And you don’t want to be that guy.

The next section of The Men’s Restroom is entitled: “Process and Positioning.”

The Men's Restroom #1

Blournalers: I apologize for my lack of posting for the last few weeks.

To make up for leaving you alone for so long I present to you the most important series of posts I’ll ever write. I wish to bring to light a topic that is subconsciously understood (yet frequently forgotten) by half the world’s population. That topic is Men’s Public Restroom Etiquette.

Contrary to what women may think about male culture, our restroom rules and rituals reveal a level of understanding and respect that go far beyond any female relationship as recorded in sociology text. Indeed there is no greater example of the advancement of modern society than the artistry that is men relieving themselves within feet, and sometimes even inches, of other men.

I would consider myself an authority on the subject. I have been a man for over 28 years and have spent plenty of time in public restrooms large and small, international and domestic. That being said, I recognize that these guidelines are by no means an exhaustive list of all the unspoken, commonly understood rules of “seeing a man about a horse,” so please feel free to make addendums in the comments.

Over the course of the coming days and weeks I will reveal, section by section, my treatise on The Men’s Restroom. I will edit this introductory slide with links to individual sections as they are posted.



The Men's Restroom Table of Contents:

Section 1: Sight and Sound